‘I want to see again’

  • admin@kashmirink.com
  • Publish Date: Dec 19 2016 9:19PM
  • |
  • Updated Date: Dec 24 2016 10:54PM
‘I want to see again’Photo: Showkat Dar/GK

I’ve recently returned home after a few months of treatment in New Delhi and Mumbai hospitals. But despite all the treatment and several eye surgeries, I’m still not able to see anything. In the morning, when I wake up, my eyes hurt for some time. I wake up before sunrise; I am unable to sleep well. Earlier, I used to dream and remember my dreams, but now I’m unable to recall my dreams.

That evening in July, there was some protest on the street outside our home. I thought the protesting youth had left when I opened the window to have a look I saw a lot of police force on the road. It was then I heard a shot being fired in my direction.  A volley of pellets hit my face. I fell down. Three of my frontal teeth broke.There was blood on my face. It was as if a strong electricity jolt had hit me constantly for half an hour. I was in a lot of pain. From that moment, I couldn’t see anything although I was conscious till I was taken to SMHS hospital in Srinagar, where I lost my consciousness. Then there was darkness.

Insha's notebook

It took us more than two hour to reach Srinagar, I was later told. Then I don’t remember much. I remember feeling a lot of pain in my eyes and face. I was able to speak only next day. All I could say was to ask for some water. I could not see anything. I could only hear some voices around my ears. I had never been to a district hospital leave alone a hospital in Srinagar. I could never imagine all this could happen to me.

Now I am getting used to darkness. I have to apply eye drops four times every day. I can’t make out if it’s a day or night time. It’s all the same for me. When I’m taken out in the sunlight during the day, I feel some faint light in my left eye and nothing on my right eye.

I miss my school and my friends and my classmates. I wish I could go to school again, like I used to in the past. When my friends came to see me after I was blinded, I couldn’t see them. I felt sad. But I recognized each one of them – from their voice! I wish to see them again and attend my school as well. I hope I’m able to see them in future, if at all I regain my vision.

When I was admitted in AIIMS hospital for treatment, Mehbooba Mufti came to see me one day. She said she can do anything for me, that she can even donate her eyes to me to regain my vision. But I told her that she will not do so. I think she was lying. I didn’t believe her. I told her all I want is to see again. Nothing else.

When I came back from Delhi, I didn’t like staying in my home. My home is not the same anymore for me. I don’t like my village either. I don’t want to live there anymore. That is why I’m staying here, at my aunt’s residence far away from my village.

 

 Insha at her aunt's place

The doctors who treated me outside said that there is some possibility of regaining vision in my left eye. They said I won’t be able to see again in my right eye.

I made many friends in Delhi. I liked their company. Some Kashmiri girls and some other people would come to see and talk to me at the hospital. I felt good in their company. They became my friends. I miss them here. Why don’t they get in touch with me here? Why don’t they talk to me now? I miss the food, the fish I used to taste and like in Delhi and Mumbai. I wish I could taste that kind of food here. 

Before July, I used to come home from school and finish my homework first. My favorite subjects were science, mathematics and physics. Then I would go out to play for some time with my cousin sisters.  But now I can’t even eat or go to washroom without help. My school bag and my books are lying in some corner at my home.  I can’t look at my books again. I wish I could read again and go to my school. Now I’m dependent on others. I need help. I don’t like this.

Earlier I wanted to become a doctor but now I don’t know what will become of me and what I’ll become. Maybe I can be an engineer now. Allah knows! 

I miss all my school friends and my school, but what I miss the most are my eyes—panun gash. I hope and wish to see again. Please pray for me.

(As told to Majid Maqbool)